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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945734">falsettoland</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakfastoversugar/pseuds/breakfastoversugar'>breakfastoversugar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Falsettos - Lapine/Finn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Multi, the basic stuff is going to be in the notes for each of them, the tags will also be updated as needed!, these are rlly unrelated to each other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:42:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,721</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945734</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakfastoversugar/pseuds/breakfastoversugar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of unrelated falsettos writings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dr. Charlotte/Cordelia (Falsettos), Jason &amp; Marvin (Falsettos), Marvin/Trina (Falsettos), Whizzer Brown/Marvin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. nap.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jason, who was currently in his arms let out a large yawn. He stretched his little baby arms and clung to his father as he began to drift to sleep peacefully. Marvin’s heart ached in his chest.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so! hi! ive been gone for a while and wanted to get back into the swing of things so these are one word prompts to get me motived to write again! they will all be unrelated and unbetaed so forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes pls</p><p>nap - canon compliant. marvin and jason</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Marvin has been terrified for so long now. For months now he feels like he has been on pins and needles. Marvin feels like he has been holding his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for Trina, her parents, his mother, everyone around him to suddenly realize he is lying and faking everything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His life has changed so drastically within the span of the year. Trina ended up pregnant and her father demanded that they get married. Trina was excited to start their family, or she seemed excited at least. It felt like a death sentence to Marvin. Marvin had been living his life as a waking ghost, haunting one room to the next. He was just going through the motions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, Jason was born. Every time Marvin held his son in his arms, he felt revived, reborn, reinvigorated. He finally felt like he had a purpose other than to constantly hide himself. He could be there for his son. Like his parents never were for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason, who was currently in his arms let out a large yawn. He stretched his little baby arms and clung to his father as he began to drift to sleep peacefully. Marvin’s heart ached in his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shifted his son in his arms, cradling him and making sure to support his little head. “You know, Jason, love is the most beautiful thing in the world,” Marvin rocked his infant son in his arms, starting to make the journey to his room. “I love you, kiddo, so much. You’re my whole world. One day you’re going to love someone as much as I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin paused, right in front of Jason’s door. He looked at his son. His voice dropped to a nervous whisper, “And, no matter who you love, I’ll still love you. You won’t ever have to worry about that. You’re always going to be my son, Jason. I’m always going to be proud of you. You’re going to sing your own song and march to whatever beat you want, and I’m going to be so proud of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin lingers in Jason’s room long after he is asleep. Just to hold him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Entering Jason’s room was like going into a warzone. There were toys and stuffed animals and books and clothes scattered everywhere. Marvin lingered in the doorway for a few seconds, watching Jason play chess with himself. Mentally, Marvin realizes that he is making careless moves, moves a more level-headed Jason would never make; Ones he would laugh at someone for making. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason slides a pawn forward and it dawns on Marvin why he is so upset. It’s because of him. Because he’s been a bad father. Because he has failed him. Marvin has completely forgotten how his actions would hurt and affect those around him, he was too busy chasing his own happiness and satisfaction. Jason was the most tragic victim of his selfish actions. He swallows grief and knocks on the open door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason glances up. His eyebrows draw together and his face pinches and stretches too tight on his little face. He pushes his glasses up onto his nose and looks back down at his chessboard, pretending as if he never saw his father.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin hovers, then moves to sit on Jason’s bed. There was space between them, Marvin made sure of it. “Jason,” He begins, but finds himself at a loss for words. He wrings his hands together, takes a breath, tries again. “I never meant to hurt or shame you. Or anyone. Not your mother, not Mendel, not-” He cuts himself off. The breath catches in his throat at the mention of his former lover. “I never wanted to hurt any of you,” Marvin says with a strained voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason has stopped moving, stopped playing. He’s staring at the pieces as if they will give him the secret to the universe. His fingers grip tightly into his pants and twist. Marvin recognizes it as a nervous habit he shares with Trina. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My entire life I have been scared. It’s not an excuse for how I’ve treated everyone and behaved- I wanna make that completely transparent. I never wanted to make you scared, Jason. I never wanted to make you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. I loved you. I love you. And I’m sorry,” Marvin says, putting a hand near the chessboard as an olive branch if Jason chooses to take it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason glances at him. His fingers twitch, but he keeps them twisted in his pants. But he doesn’t stop looking at Marvin, so he considers it a win. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin gives him a small, sad, smile. “I fell in love with Whizzer very quickly. If you can avoid that, you should. Take your time to fall in love.” He takes a deep breath. One of Jason’s hands unfurls itself from his jeans and reaches out toward Marvin. Their fingertips brush. “I can’t undo my choices or erase my actions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you, Jason, you can learn from me. You can be a better man than I ever was. You’re so smart and so kind and, Jason, you’re going to be a wonderful person. And I’ll love and support you no matter who you turn out to be. I’m so proud of you. I will always be so proud of you. No matter who you turn out to be.” Marvin looks at Jason like he is his whole world. Which is true. Marvin’s entire heart belongs to Jason, and he can do with it as he pleases. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin gets up to leave, the one sided conversation over. This conversation will never rectify what he did, but hopefully he can steer Jason down a better path. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dad,” A meek voice comes from behind him. When Marvin turns, Jason has gotten up from his bed. A few chess pieces have fallen over from how quickly he did so. Jason leaves them. “I love you,” He whispers, and throws himself into his father’s arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Marvin holds him.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. reaction.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“So… you two are soulmates.”</p><p>“That’s right,” Cordelia says, her grip on a plate of cookies tightening. Her bright blue eyes slide to her peripherals and make contact with Charlotte’s deep brown. “Is … is that a problem?”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter two! which was written the same day as chapter one! this one is actually from the same au as the trindel soulmate thing ive written so! yeah! fun</p><p>reaction - soulmate au. chardelia and marvin</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“So… you two are soulmates.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their new neighbor stood in front of Charlotte and Cordelia. He had an unreadable expression on his face, but it didn’t seem like he was taking the news negatively. Charlotte reaches out and touches the small of Cordelia’s back. The physical contact works wonders for the both of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s right,” Cordelia says, her grip on a plate of cookies tightening. Her bright blue eyes slide to her peripherals and make contact with Charlotte’s deep brown. “Is … is that a problem?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The man’s eyes widened. “No, no, it’s not a problem!” He waved his hands in front of him frantically. Privately, Charlotte thinks it's a pretty funny sight. “I, uh, I,” He fumbles for a few seconds before giving a bashful, little grin, “I’ve just never seen gay soulmates that were happy and in love before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Charlotte sighs. It’s tiresome, being told all the time that people didn’t know that queer couples could actually be soulmates, that people didn’t know queer couple could actually be happy. “Yeah,” She says, plastering a smile on her face, “Cordelia and I are really in love, and we’re very happy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The man’s eyes soften. “That’s… that’s great. My soulmate and I were in love too, but it didn’t end up working out. He and I just wanted different things in the end.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Charlotte starts to speak, but is interrupted by Cordelia blurting out, “He?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The man scuffs his shoe along the ground. “Yeah. He was my whole world there for a little while. I was married, before I met him. But after I saw him … well, I don’t have to explain the sensation of finding your soulmate,” He grins, nervous, “You’ve been through that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s magical,” Charlotte whispers on an exhale, looking to the tall woman beside her. “Finding the one person the universe has made for you. There’s nothing quite like it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cordelia’s expression melts as she looks toward her lover. “I love you,” She says casually. Their new neighbor in the background panics and fidgets awkwardly, “So much.” Cordelia leans in and kisses Charlotte. “I can’t believe the universe gave me the best woman in the world! I don’t know where I would be without my doctor!” She gushes, pressing herself into her shorter girlfriend’s side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you two want to come in? So that you can put those down.” Belatedly, he says, “Thank you for those, by the way!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can come in!” Cordelia chirps, sweeping inside as soon as the man opens the door for her. Gingerly, she sets the plate on a new dining room table. Glancing around, Cordelia took notice of a bland, mismatched decorum that … certainly felt like it belonged in a bachelor pad. There weren’t even any pictures up on the wall. Hopefully they could convince him to change the drab state of his apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh!” Charlotte explained suddenly, turning to their neighbor after he shut the door behind the women. “I can’t believe we haven’t told you our names. It slipped my mind.” She gives a laugh and puts one hand on Cordelia’s shoulder. “This is Cordelia and I’m Charlotte.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marvin,” He says, a smile playing on his lips. “It’s nice to meet you two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a bit more pleasantries and ice breaking, Marvin brings back up the topic of soulmates.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, how did you two figure it out? How did you react?” He asks, tapping the cushions to a chair he was currently sitting on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cordelia laughs from her spot beside Charlotte on Marvin’s uncomfortable loveseat. “Oh, it’s such a funny story actually.” She slaps a hand gently onto Charlotte’s arm, her curls bobbing as she swivels her head. “Isn’t that right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I almost had a heart attack when it happened, but looking back on it …” A grin passes over Charlotte’s face, “It is pretty funny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cordelia adjusts. She is now facing Marvin, leaning toward him and having her hands pressed to her thighs. It looks a little bit like she's trying to tell him a secret. “Okay, so, a friend of mine wanted to go to the mall. He was really excited, and his emotions are infectious, probably, so I got really excited!” She smiles, wide, “And we were shopping but then I trip over my own feet. And suddenly, I’m tumbling all the way down the down escalator!” She cackles, slapping a hand over her knee. “Almost broke my ankle!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s not kidding about that, it was swollen for weeks afterwards.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, my friend is all freaking out, because it wasn’t an easy fall.” Cordelia continues, moving her hands along with the story now. “And Charlotte comes over and says that she is a doctor, she can look. And as soon as she touches me,” She pauses for dramatic effect. It works, because Marvin leans a little closer, despite ultimately knowing the outcome to the story. “Bam!” Cordelia shouts, and Marvin flinches back a bit from the sheer volume, “The world comes into focus!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Charlotte laughs a little, bumping her lover’s shoulder. “Whizzer about had a heart attack when he realized why we were staring at each other.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin’s breath catches, but the women don’t notice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that was a hard day for him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Charlotte intertwines their fingers and gives a gentle squeeze. She turns to Marvin and tilts her head, “What about you? I’m sure you have a great story to tell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know,” Marvin says, twiddling his thumbs together idly, “I don’t think anything could top your story.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. encourage.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Well, Marvin, it sounds like you just might have a crush.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m asking for help.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>encourage - college au. mendel and marvin.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Typically, Marvin took what his roommate said with a grain of salt. He went to the other man for advice often enough, but he didn’t feel as if any of it was actually important enough for him to follow through with it. But now, sprawled out across his bed and staring at the ceiling, he feels like he might need it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What did you want to talk about?” Mendel asked, looking up from his binder stuffed full of unorganized papers. He jiggles a pen nervously between two of his fingers, and the end keeps repeatedly hitting the binder balanced precariously on his legs. The noise is like pulling teeth to Marvin. “I’m here for you, buddy! You can ask ‘ole Mendel anything!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin groans, loud, and turns to face away from Mendel. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to figure out how best to ask while keeping his situation as vague as possible. “It’s not that important. I just … I don’t know how to talk to people.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that! You usually just glare at others until they give up conversation!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I mean people I’m interested in. Like… uh, you know. In more than a friendly way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mendel’s brown eyes widen. He leans forward. There is excitement written all over his face, but before he can get a word in, the binder slips off of his legs and spills papers all over their dorm room floor. Marvin turns in his twin bed to look at all the papers all over the ground. “Shit,” Mendel whispers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not helping you clean those up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mendel slides dramatically down off his bed onto the ground. He begins gathering the papers. “Well, Marvin, it sounds like you just might have a crush.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m asking for help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think you would admit it so easily.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin starts to get up off of his bed. He shakes his head, a frown pulling on his lips. “Forget it Mendel,” He huffs, “It’s not that important.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” Mendel says, standing up and forgetting about all the papers spilled all over the floor, “I can help you! I want to help you! So, let’s talk about this.” He brushes some non-existent dirt off a long brown sweater and motions to Marvin’s bed. “So, Mr. Marvin,” He begins, fishing a notebook and a pen from … Marvin isn’t quite sure where, “Let’s begin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin takes a seat on his bed, tapping his fingers nervously, “I know you want to be a psychiatrist, but isn’t this a little overkill?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not!” Mendel chirps positively. He puts the cap of the pen between his teeth and pulls it off. He scribbles something on the pad of paper and nods at Marvin. “Let’s start. From the beginning. So you’ve moved on from Trina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin lets out a little huff of laughter, “Not like there were any romantic feelings to get over.” He waits for a moment, “Sorry, I know you and Trina and a thing now,” He wrinkles his nose a little, but doesn’t comment further, “I’m trying to be cooler about that now, by the way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate it. I know Trina does too,” Mendel gave a genuine smile. Marvin gave a more timid one back. “Back to the topic at hand,” The shorter man says, shifting gears easily, “I’ve never asked this before, but why were you not that into Trina. She says you two had been dating since junior year of high school and yet you’ve said you never felt that way about her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin shrugs, suddenly finding the strings to his wine colored hoodie incredibly intriguing. “It’s just… I’ve never…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Trina has also mentioned how you had a girlfriend before her that you didn't seem to really like either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never really liked girls,” Marvin blurts. He wants to curl in on himself and disappear. He has never told anyone before, that he doesn’t like women but rather men. It’s terrifying, and freeing also. Marvin wishes that it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, but Mendel hasn’t said anything. Mendel is just staring at Marvin with his head tilted to the side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The silence continues for a tense second before Mendel asks, “So you’ve found a girl that you do like?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin groans. He wants to make sure Mendel knows he missed the mark by a long shot. “No, Mendel,” He hesitates. His voice drops to a whisper, as if saying it too loud will make everyone in their entire dorm building hear, “I don’t like girls at all. The person I like is a guy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, that’s great,” Mendel replies instantly. A grin stretches across his face as he writes quickly in his notebook. “So it’s a guy! You should tell me about him, Marv!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, uh, what do you want to know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you love him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorta kinda.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you need him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... Sorta kinda.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>jic i didnt make it clear before the prompts are all generated from a random word generator!! the prompts are in the titles and also the summary.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. permanent.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Back then,” He begins after a few beats of deafening silence, “We both fucked up. I won’t lie to you and say you didn’t.” He twirls his finger’s around Marvin’s. He doesn’t make eye contact, he can’t. Talking like this is already intimate and foreign for Whizzer, but eye contact would make it feel overwhelming. “We both hurt each other. Over and over again. I’m … I fucked up, too.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>permanent - canon compliant. whizzvin.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There was a silence stretching between the two of them. It wasn’t awkward or guilty or heated with anger or anything else. It was comfortable. It was content. It was two men being able to be happy in the presence of the other without anything holding them back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, almost anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really fucked up before,” Marvin whispers into the silence, his hand finding his lover’s and threading their fingers together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer lowers his newspaper that he was reading to look up at him. For a moment he had an amused smile on his face, but that dropped when he saw Marvin’s expression and felt his genuine regret. “Marv,” He begins, hesitantly. “That- we- hold on. I have to figure out the right way to put this.” He drops the newspaper completely into his lap. The hand still holding Marvin’s squeezes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Back then,” He begins after a few beats of deafening silence, “We both fucked up. I won’t lie to you and say you didn’t.” He twirls his finger’s around Marvin’s. He doesn’t make eye contact, he can’t. Talking like this is already intimate and foreign for Whizzer, but eye contact would make it feel overwhelming. “We both hurt each other. Over and over again. I’m … I fucked up, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin stays silent. He doesn’t want to jump in and interrupt. Marvin from two years ago, maybe, but not now. Marvin stared at Whizzer like the taller man would disappear if he didn’t. He brings his lover’s hand to his lips and presses a gentle, fleeting kiss across his knuckles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer, from his spot next to Marvin smiled. His expression, which was mostly stoic with a hint of concern melted into pure affection. “I hurt you a lot back then. We both hurt each other. I’m sorry. I was scared. I’d never,” His breath stuttered a little, “I’ve never felt anything like what I’ve felt with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin felt the urge to ask and beg and plead for Whizzer to love him. Before, that always made Whizzer clam up, shy away, react negatively. It was never good for them. But Marvin had never made the first move. He had never been the first one to take the plunge. He takes a large breath. “I love you,” He admits. It feels like a giant weight on his chest that he had been lugging around for three years now finally lifting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer gasps, he pulls his hand out of Marvin’s and stares at him with wide eyes. “What?” He asks hesitantly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Marvin repeats, more confidently now. “I’m going to do everything I can to be a better man. I want to be here for you. For Jason. For my family. I don’t want to be that man again, Whizzer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t talk too bad about him, Marvin, I feel in love with that man. As silly as them may be,” Whizzer’s lips quirk upwards into a weak smirk. He looks mostly nervous, though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin smiles so wide his cheeks begin to hurt. He grabs Whizzer’s hand again, slowly so the taller man can pull away if he wants, and rubs his lover’s knuckles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s nothing for a while. Whizzer picks back up his newspaper and starts to loudly bitch about the Reagens. His hand twists and turns and pushes and pulls Marvin’s as he tries to talk with his hands. Marvin listens while staring at the subtitles on a muted television.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin couldn’t quite phrase what he wanted to say next. He didn’t know how to get it into words, so he sat with his lover, biting at his lip while deep in thought. But Whizzer, ever perceptive, elbows him lightly right in the ribs. “What’s wrong?” He half asks and half demands, “I can tell something is on your mind, Marv.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin looks down at his legs. He doesn’t want to push Whizzer away, but he needs to know. “Is… is this a sure thing this time? Is it permanent? I love you, but I can’t put my family through something like what happened two years ago again. I can’t put Jason through it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer is silent for a moment before throwing down his newspaper. “You had me thinking it was something more serious.” He pointedly ignored Marvin’s stunned gawking, “Of course, Marvin. I always thought you were smart, how could you not think this is a sure thing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I- um, we- It’s just- I didn’t wanna assume and trap you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer releases his hand and throws both arms around his shoulders. He brings one hand up to rake through Marvin’s curls. “I wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t want another shot with you. A real shot.” He presses his face into Marvin’s shoulder and curls into his side, “I want to be with you. So I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin tentatively places a hand on the small of Whizzer’s back. “I want you to be here for as long as you want to be here,” He promises. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer lets out a little huff of laugher against his shoulder, “Well, I guess I’ll be here forever. Sorry, Marvin, but it looks like you're stuck with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There are so much worse things to be stuck with, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah? Like what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mendel, for starters.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Whizzer cackles into his side, Marvin realizes that this might not end in heartbreak this time. Maybe.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. boy.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trina doesn’t know how she got here. She lays in her too large bed, half of it empty again. She wraps her arms around herself and tries her hardest to remember. </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>boy. canon compliant. trina and marvin and jason</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Trina doesn’t know how she got here. She lays in her too large bed, half of it empty again. She wraps her arms around herself and tries her hardest to remember. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It started innocuous enough. They were both in college, her a year older than him. She was exiting the bathroom in the library when they met. He was a sight for sore eyes, then. His curls and his bright blue eyes that stood out despite the dark bags underneath them made her heart skip a beat. She smiled, shy. The corners of his mouth twitched upwards as a response. It was half-hearted and hesitant. She studied with him. Or rather, they talked quietly over two open textbooks. He didn’t seem all that receptive to her flirting, but that was okay. When the library inevitably kicked them out, they stayed in that parking lot and talked until four in the morning before parting ways. It was only at the very end that she got his name and address.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin lied to her. He gave her the wrong address. She showed up at a stranger's door, looking for him and made herself look like a damned fool. The lights in the hallway in front of a stranger’s apartment were low. She had a tight smile on her face as she gripped the paper that bore Marvin’s handwriting and address. “Sorry,” She said at the time, “I must have read it wrong. I didn’t mean to inconvenience you.” But she double, triple, septuple checked. It wasn’t wrong. Trina had been lied to. She walked away from an unknown apartment with a wounded heart and a crushed pride.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took weeks for him to talk to her again. Marvin showed up at where she lived with an apologetic smile on his face and wringing his hands together. “Darling,” He started, but Trina cut him off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marvin, I don’t want to play games. I just want to be loved. I want to be even though I lie too much, I try too hard to impress others, I cry when I’m stressed; I want to be loved despite all of that. I want to be loved for me.” She blurted out. They both lingered in her doorway after her outburst. Trina felt like a small child that just finished having a temper tantrum in public. A red colored her cheeks and she took a deep breath in through her nose. She forced herself to stand her ground, to not take it back. She was strong. She could do this. “I don’t want to play games, Marvin. If that’s what you want, then you can leave the same way you came in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin gaped at her for a few seconds. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish before he finally settled on giving her a remorseful smile. “I’m sorry,” He apologized. The words made Trina melt. She felt okay. She felt alright. “I do like this. This, uh, thing between us. I think it’s a good thing we have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trina paused. She shifted her footing. She crossed her arms. She wasn’t going to just melt into his arms after all the embarrassment he put her through. Current day Trina wonders where that stubborn, strong willed girl went. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin swallowed, stepped forward, placed his hands gently on her arms. “I know, I messed up. I just didn’t think I’d like you as much as I did. You left an impact on me, Trina. I don’t want to play games, either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And now Trina melted. She nodded and allowed him into her heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The fighting started off rare, then became more frequent. They would yell and scream. Trina would cry. Marvin would say that her tears were all acting. They’d make a scene. Marvin’s neighbors were, no doubt, cursing the 20 something year olds. She would threaten to leave him, and he would get this scared look on his face and suddenly the fight would be over. They would ignore the shattered pieces of their relationship and go to bed and not talk about it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trina could hear him cry at night. Early into their relationship, she would try to wrap her arms around him, but he would flinch away from her. On better days, the earlier ones, she could hold his hand. Now whenever her fingers made their way over to his, he would pull away as if her pinky had burned his. She would hold her breath and pretend not to be hurt. This was fine. This was alright. They were alright. Rather than try to comfort him, she curls up and plays games with the small amount of light and the small little broken sounds coming from next to her. It was the only way she could fall asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trina had made the resolve to really, truly end the relationship. She was going to go to Marvin’s house in the morning and end it and leave before he had a chance to remind her that he owned her heart. That was the plan for the morning. It was … until the morning sickness. It was sudden and it came out of nowhere and it left her gasping for air everytime she got sick. A ball of dread formed. It got bigger as she walked to the nearest Bodega and made a purchase. It was almost as big as her as she paced around her living room and waited. It towered over her completely as she read the result of the pregnancy test she had just bought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Positive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had to tell Marvin. He had to know. She couldn’t leave him now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took a couple of days for her to work up the courage to tell Marvin, but when he did, he was shocked. He sat there in silence for what seemed like months to Trina’s paranoid mind. She was on the verge of tears the whole time. She balled her fists into her long skirt. She wrung her hands together, She tucked, untucked, re-tucked her hair behind her ears over and over again. Anything to keep her hands moving. Anything to keep her mind occupied while Marvin sat there. He was just sitting there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thats…” He began, and then cut himself off. The second he closed his mouth, Trina almost opened her own to let out a loud scream of frustration and anguish. “Alright. That’s alright.” Marvin finished. He ran his hands over his pants a few times. “I ... we’ll live. We’ll get by.” He promises her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They do. They get married, by demand of Trina’s father. Trina and Marvin both pretend it was a choice they made. It wasn’t. They smiled and took carefully angled wedding photos so it didn’t show Trina’s baby bump. Marvin’s parents left in the middle of the ceremony. Trina reached out and grabbed his hand but it was completely limp in her grasp. His face was pinched tight and there were tears in his eyes. She pretends, to this day, that they were happy tears. They weren’t. She knows that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Married life with Marvin has never been particularly happy. It was better, before. In the beginning, in the honeymoon phase. Not that there ever really was one, but after Jason was born, things were good. They were, really. When things would get heated or tense or sad, they would remember Jason. Their whole world. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Jason grew, things became more unhappy. Trina thought that this was the way things had to be. After so long of not getting attention or love or affection, she closed herself off. She became colder, like Marvin’s mother, in hopes of winning his favor. It didn’t work. Sometimes it would cause Marvin to take large, shuddering breaths and walk away. It made her feel terrible, but she couldn’t take it back now. Marvin and her argued more, and a little part of Trina died every time. She doesn’t remember how long it’s been since she had been happy with Marvin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jason noticed and resented both of them for making each other and him unhappy. He was more angry at Marvin than Trina. She was almost happy about that, and then it hit her one day that her whole world hated her. That was the start of one of the breakdowns. She made sure to get rid of any of the evidence that she had one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Life is hard and she feels so beaten down all the time. She feels like she has to be a mother to her son and her husband. Trina feels overextended and underappreciated and so, so indescribably alone. She never vocalizes it, to anyone, but she is absolutely sure that Marvin is cheating on her. Trina feels so foolish for staying with him. For staying faithful. For acting happy. For smiling at Jason like nothing could ever be wrong. She wants it all to end. Trina wants to stop playing pretend but she's so scared of changing her life like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trina thinks about her men, her boys. Her son and her hus- <em>Marvin.</em> She pulls the blanket tighter around herself and plays with the light as it bounces off the wedding ring.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I GOT REALLY EXCITED TO WRITE TRINA SO HERE. I LOVE HER. USUALLY THINGS TAKE ME AT LEAST A DAY MAYBE TWO TO WRITE BUT I WROTE THIS IN A FEW HOURS. </p><p>anyways stream in trousers.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. metal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“How’s the lithium?” The psychiatrist asks, pulling out a file with Marvin’s full name on it. “Is it working for you? I know that sometimes it can be a little tricky to adjust to-”</p><p>“Tastes disgusting,” Marvin interrupts, because this is safer territory and he can talk about this. He knows how to complain, because of course he does. What else has he ever done? “It makes me nauseous.” </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!!! so some things to note abt this chapter! i have bipolar and its kicking my ass right now, and i also really headcanon marvin to also have bipolar. and i have a lot of knowledge about lithium, because it was a HUGE pain in my ass while i was taking it. because im like rlly forgetful and my psychiatrist could see that in my lithium levels lol. oh and for those who dont know lithium is a soft metal so thats why the chapter is named that!</p><p>ANYWAYS, rlly in depth mental illness stuff so if thats not something you like i dont advise reading this one! theres no real suicide stuff in here, but i did mention death twice. one was in reference to marvin takes a victory shower and the other was just in passing really so. </p><p>metal - canon compliant. marvin and mendel.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Marvin sits silently on the leather couch in his psychiatrist’s office. He shifts, sliding his leg back to support himself. He didn’t let his back touch the couch. Maybe when he got more acquainted with him, he would, but not yet. Not until he knows he’s trustworthy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…” His psychiatrist, Mendel, drawls on, “Tell me, Mr. Marvin, how have you been feeling? Make sure to get in there really deep,” He curled his long fingers inward, toward his chest, and inhaled, “so we can let it all go.” He said on an audible, overexaggerated exhale while simultaneously straightening out his fingers and letting his hands drift closer to Marvin which in turn took them further from himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin scoffed at the over the top display and crossed one leg over the other. “It’s nothing that groundbreaking, Mendel,” He said, blunt and simple. “I’ve just been feeling… bad. Sad, maybe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Angry?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not angry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s good. You have a tendency to feel angry when you’re sad,” Mendel noted with a hum, scrawling something down in his notepad. Marvin doubts he could read his own penmanship. “So, if you haven’t been angry, have you been hopeless?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin lets out a heavy exhale through his nostrils. He doesn’t like talking about his feelings, he finds it emasculating. But he knows things will be worse if he keeps them to himself, and this man has done nothing so far to prove that he shouldn’t tell him the bare minimum. “I suppose,” The tired man shrugs to himself, “I don’t like feeling like this. I have things I should appreciate. My son is extremely smart. My wife loves me, I think. No, I, uh,” He falters, hesitates, “I know she does. She’s loyal. Kind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mendel notices the pause, the lapse, and pounces. “Is there something about that statement that makes you feel bad?” And the shorter man smiles and to Marvin it’s like a mouthful of cinnamon and honey. It’s practically impossible to swallow. The brown eyes are filled with warmth, but rather than security and safety Marvin feels like he’s on fire under his gaze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he turns away. He blocks out the psychiatrist for a moment. He thinks of cold smirks and loud complaining and love that always, always, always makes him feel like he lives up to his diagnosis of bipolar. The good times take him so high that he feels weightless (scarily and recklessly so), but the bad are so low it leaves him wanting to crawl out of his own skin.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks of his wife, hanging on his every word. He thinks of how the light dies in her eyes when he says he is coming home late. He thinks of the manic two in the mornings where it's hour thirty five of him going without sleep, where he can see her reaching out to him in their too-large bed. He thinks of reaching out to her. He thinks of screaming, of divorce, of death. It would be easy to die. He thinks about death a lot when he’s manic. It’s not because Marvin actually wants to die, it’s more like he’s thinking about it to spite everyone else. He thinks about how much it would spite his mother, his father, his wife, God.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can move on if you want,” Mendel’s voice reverberates. He sounds far away, like he’s standing on the opposite side of a highway. “You never have to answer anything you don’t want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin nods, numb. He picks at the skin around his nails just to feel something other than selfish and small.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’s the lithium?” The psychiatrist asks, pulling out a file with Marvin’s full name on it. “Is it working for you? I know that sometimes it can be a little tricky to adjust to-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tastes disgusting,” Marvin interrupts, because this is safer territory and he can talk about this. He knows how to complain, because of course he does. What else has he ever done? “It makes me nauseous.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mendel nods, tapping the end of a pen against his chin. “That’s normal. Lithium often takes some time to adjust to.” He flips through Marvin’s file with one hand. He’s tapping his foot against the floor and Marvin hates it. He glares, but Mendel doesn’t seem to notice. “I see you got your blood taken so I can monitor your lithium levels. That’s very important, lithium poisoning is-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin tunes him out mostly after that. He thinks about his family. People he holds dear. He loves them, or he knows he should. It’s hard to feel anything right now. It’s hard to get out of bed some mornings. He hopes he doesn’t look as tired as he feels. Marvin’s lover would probably see how much he looks like shit and make snide comments. Probably something about his wardrobe choices. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin wishes he had it in him to be excited for it. He just feels exhausted and beaten. It feels like it’s going to stretch on forever, even if Marvin knows that soon he’ll be at his lover’s shitty apartment, staying up with him until awful hours of the morning, buying him anything, giving him anything, feeling like it was his world, and that others were living in it. Feeling like he was the God that made it all in the first place. Feeling like the world owed him something that it certainly did not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They seem a little low, right now though! So, no need to worry about any of that right now. Although, if you do start experiencing those symptoms, stop taking the medicine immediately.” Mendel concludes, slipping the paper back into the file and stuffing the file back into a cabinet haphazardly. “So we’re going to up the dosage.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin jolts a little at that, “Why? Isn’t the one we’re on enough?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m sorry, Mr. Marvin,” The psychiatrist says, and through the politeness, he gives Marvin a look that makes him feel small. Like he is a kid that got caught with a hand in the cookie jar. Or like how his son looks whenever he has to tell his wife that no, he didn’t have any plans again this weekend, but that it was alright because he wanted to practice a new chess maneuver anyways. Or like an adult that got caught spacing out on important facts about his medication when he should have been listening. “Lithium works based on blood levels, it won’t be truly effective if the lithium levels in your blood aren’t correct. That’s probably why you’re feeling so down right now!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin nods and furrows his eyebrows. He wonders, distantly, why the other man took the time to explain it to him at all. Marvin never pegged Mendel as something who over-extended his sympathy. He didn’t seem like the kind of man to take the work home with him, or to dwell on it. Ever. He seemed carefully distanced. He’d seen him walk some other patients back to his small, dingy waiting room and the shorter man seemed like he was a minute away from insulting some of them. That’s part of the reason he chose Mendel in the first place. He was the one he found least likely to judge him for his life choices. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was part of the job, Marvin reasons to himself, explaining the medicine and how it works as many times as he needs to get the point across. Marvin stuffs that mystery into that box and swears to never touch it again. He doesn’t want to know the answer if it was something else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So!” The man says, ripping out a piece of paper and handing it over to Marvin, “Your new prescription for lithium is right here! Remember to take the pills daily, not only for the accuracy of the blood tests, but so you’ll stop feeling so sick after you take your daily dosage.” He gives it to Marvin and begins to open the door to see him out. Marvin rises to his feet. “After a week, get that lithium test taken and then the week after we can come back in and talk about it, okay? So I’ll see you in two weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Marvin checks out with the receptionist, he can’t help but think that this wasn’t what he wanted out of a psychiatrist. Mendel does his job as a psychiatrist, and does a decent job at it. He diagnoses mental illness and prescribes medications that could work. Marvin thinks, distantly, that he would like to be able to talk with him, to reach out. Genuinely, he wants to share his thoughts and troubles and worries with the short man in the funky cardigans.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mendel made an effort to. Mendel wants to understand and help. Marvin just needs to let him be able to do so. Marvin needs to make an effort to tell him these things. It scares him. Hell, just what they already talked about makes him feel vulnerable and raw and exposed. But Marvin can’t make progress like this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leaves Mendel’s office with a terrifying objective to tell him. Tell him things he has never told anyone else. About his feelings, his parents, his preferences, his fears. The resolution tastes like salty tears and death and soft metals that make him nauseous.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>anyways with this vent ill probably leave this here!! </p><p>i actually wrote this bc i wanted to write abt marvin struggling with the same mental illness i am struggling with but i didnt actually want to put it in the tags as its own thing so i just gave it a simple prompt and slid it in here, enough though it would be something i would make its own work under any other circumstance.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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